In the Dark
by alephitina
Summary: Figuring out what the hell is going on can be a very difficult task indeed. Especially if you can't see anything. YuuriWolfram.


Title: In the Dark  
Pairing: Yuuri/Wolfram  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. No copyright infringement is intended.  
Summary: Figuring out what the hell is going on can be a very difficult task indeed. Especially if you can't see anything.

A/N: This was just a spot of fun. Humor and crack all round)) Oh, and a lot of OOC on Wolfram's part.

It is dark. Very, very dark. Pitch-black type of dark really.

"Exactly _what_ do you think you are doing?!" asks a voice in the darkness. It is difficult to tell who the voice belongs to, all that can be said for sure is that it's a young boy, who is rather annoyed.

"Why, Yuuri, I am looking for a way to get us out of this mess, of course." answers another boyish voice sounding equally annoyed at the interruption.

"Well, Wolfram, I can guarantee you that _that_ is _not_ it!" the boy named Yuuri hisses. "You touching me in inappropriate places will not assist our rescue in any shape or form."

"But you looked tense! I was just trying to help," the one named Wolfram replies with a sly undertone. "After all, we live only to serve and please our King."

"Can you possible find some other way to please me? Because that particular part of my anatomy wasn't _tense before_ you started your ministrations!" The distress is quite evident in Yuuri's voice.

"Well, it's certainly _hard_… uhh… I mean _tense_ now. Maybe I can give you a massage to help relieve some of that tension…" Wolfram winkes at Yuuri and licks his lips lusciously, although the latter remains completely oblivious courtesy of the surrounding darkness.

"Maybe if you stopped being so touchy-feely I wouldn't be this hard… errr.. I mean tense!"

"Oh please Yuuri, it's not as if I actually want to jump your royal bones! You are just being paranoid!" huffs Wolfram.

"Paranoid? _Paranoid_?! Wolfram you are attempting to shove your hand down my pants. How is that being paranoid on my part?!" sputters Yuuri incredulously.

"Oh, relax, you wimp. I won't do it anymore."

"…"

"…"

"You are still doing it, Wolfram!"

The only reply he gets is an irritated sign, and for a minute nothing happens. Then there is a scratching sound. And a creek. Followed by what sounds like somebody shuffling around.

"Is anyone down there?" a new voice calls out.

"Conrad? Is that you?"

"Yes, Your Majesty. Just hold on and I'll try and get some light in here" relief is clear in Conrad's voice and there is more scratching and creeking before the room finally lights up with the dim glow of a torch. The room turns out to be a large cellar with wine racks disappearing into the ever present darkness. Yuuri and Wolfram are sitting close together on the floor and Wolfram has his hands wondering about in Yuuri's lap. Upon seeing Wolfram's hands in such scary proximity to Yuuri's private parts Conrad makes a very quick assessment of the situation.

"I can see that you are busy. I'll come back later." says Conrad and starts backing away towards the exit, conveniently taking the torch with him.

"No, wait, Conrad! This is not what it looks like!" says Yuuri clearly terrified by the idea of being left alone with Wolfram's hands in the darkness again.

"Unfortunately…" sulks Wolfram still pretending that he is not in fact trying to fondle Yuuri.

"So what exactly are you two doing down here then?" asks Conrad with an understandable degree of suspicion.

"You see, Conrad, it's actually a rather funny story. Yuuri and I went down here to find a suitable wine to drink at our long over due engagement celebration next month…" here Wolfram's explanation is rather rudely cut off by Conrad.

"Wait, wait, wait. Back up! You come down here to select a wine? Since when do either of you know anything about alcoholic drinks? As far as I can remember, Wolfram, you could not tell beer from champagne even if your dignity was being drowned in it. "

"WHAT?! Wolfram, you lied to me! You said you were an expert, when all along you just wanted to get me alone so you could molest me! That's it, isn't it?!" Yuuri stares disbelievingly at Wolfram, who has the grace to look marginally embarrassed. Conrad's manners are as perfect as ever and he manages to refrain from snorting out '_Probably_'.

"Oh, give it up, you wimp! You know you want to, you are just too scared to admit it!" Wolfram makes a fast recovery and continues with the story of their struggles, "Anyway, so we enter the cellar and the door just falls shut on its own. It was almost as if some divine power wanted us to be stuck here, in the darkness all on our lonesome," Wolfram sounds wistful, but one quick glance at Yuuri brings him back to his senses. "What I mean is that it was very creepy! Creepy as! Cree-py! Well, and you know how that door only opens from the outside when you twist the lion head. So that's how we ended up stuck in here."

"I see. Well, now that we have established the cause and effect, how about we get out? Gwendal was looking for you, your Majesty. That paperwork won't sign itself, you know."

"Blasted paperwork! I'd rather stay here and get assaulted in a very sexual way by Wolfram then do that!" grumbles Yuuri. The naïve boy, he has no idea what he is setting himself up for.

"Really? Do you mean that?!" Wolfram's eyes sparkle hungrily and he practically barks at Conrad, "Leave, Weller! Leave _now_!"

Conrad reckons that leaving right about now is not at all a bad idea. However the image of a very mad Gunter, who just found out that it was Conrad that let Wolfram defile their King persuades him to stay. A rather devious plan forms in Conrad's mind.

"Gentlemen, did I happen to mention that there was a second reason for Gwendal to look for his Majesty? It appears that every one of our provinces have decided to send a noble girl to see which one might capture the King's heart. And they are all awaiting him in Gwendal's office right now."

"What is this I hear?! I am that wimp's fiancé! I will not stand for this! I will fight each and every one of them!" roars Wolfram, and disappears beyond the cellar doors.

"Is this true, Conrad?" asks Yuuri, not sure whether to be grateful for Wolfram's departure or terrified at the prospect of a wild herd of young ladies stomping all over him in the very near future.

"Thankfully not, Your Majesty. I was just trying to rescue you." smiles Conrad kindly. "Shall we leave this dreadful place then?"

"Yes, lets." Yuuri smiles back, "I cannot _wait_ to see Wolfram's face, when he realises he's been had…"

The End.


End file.
